Any Given Weekday Morning-
It’s 4:45 am. The alarm is set to go off at 5:30. As usual, I have been awake since 1:00 am. I have slept an average of 3-4 hours a night for a few years now. Somehow, each night I think it will be different. It is not. I slowly get myself out of bed, walking my hands up my legs into an upright position, shut the alarm off and gently close the door so I don’t wake Brian. I hobble down the stairs one step at a time, turn up the thermostat, open the blinds, and start the coffee maker.
As the coffee grinds and the cat loudly meows “feed me” – BOOM- here it comes again; that sudden rush of nausea quickly washing over me as the room begins to spin. I rush to the bathroom, throw the toilet seat up and begin vomiting into the bowl all while tying my hair up into a quick bun. I have gotten very good at this multi-tasking vomit routine. My head pounds like it’s in a vice which makes me sob. The sobbing relieves the pressure in my head. In between sobs and vomiting I alternate between, “FML” and ” God please help me.”
As I throw up bile, I know the vomiting is coming to an end. Drenched in sweat, I imagine I have just detoxed a shitload of anger and sadness. I get up, wash out my mouth, wash my hands, stare at myself in the mirror for a moment and head to the basement to feed the cat and clean his litter box.
By this point the coffee maker beeps. I pour myself a cup of coffee into my ironic ‘happy’ mug and curl up in the corner of the couch just in time to watch the sun rise through the blinds. I have about 10 minutes before I need to get into the shower and get ready to bring Jackson to daycare before work.
The cat is no longer yelling at me; my 2 favorite people in the entire world are upstairs sleeping soundly; the coffee mug is hot in my hands; and the sun sends warm beams of light throughout the living room. This is actually my favorite part of the day, because it is in this space where I can feel God most. He answers my previous plea for help -“I am helping you, you aren’t listening, Jessica.”
This is the space between suffering and gratitude.
Love, Joy, Truth, Gratitude-