I left my body a few weeks ago. I’m still not clear whether that means I momentarily died or not. I know I didn’t faint, because when I returned to my body, the person I was with was still talking about herself.
It was as if my heart sprouted Mr. Potatohead-like arms and legs, started screaming, “FUUUUUCK, I’m out of here!” and bolted.
I was gone.
It scared the hell out of me. What’s even scarier is my reason for returning. I told myself ” You have too much to DO, Jessica. ” “You have patients to take care of, bills to pay, school lunches to make, taxes due, affairs to get in order…..” The list went on and on.
I had all these obligations to return for. What wasn’t on the list? Me. How come I didn’t come back for me?
For the rest of the day I felt disconnected from my body and surroundings. However, I continued on with my day like I always do. No immediate Aha moment to be had. Rather, I added another task to my ever growing mental monkey chatter, AKA my To Do List:
- Create document for Brian with all account numbers, passwords, bill due dates, social security numbers and anything else he may need
My father died at the age of 61. It was believed he had a heart attack in his sleep. I believe he died of a broken heart. But, that is a story for another day. So, a couple of days later I thought it responsible to reach out to my naturopathic doctor to let her know what happened. She had me come in.
I told her I was afraid this could happen while I was driving, or even worse while I was driving with my son in the car. She seemed pretty confident that it would not. She told me, “You wouldn’t allow that to happen.”
She tested my pulse and blood pressure; and referred me to a “Lyme-literate” ( very loose quotation marks being used) cardiologist in the area. I will jump ahead here and let you know, ” That was a total waste of time (and money I am sure – I haven’t got the bill yet).”
I then saw my therapist. I told her what happened. She asked me what I thought really happened. I said, “I’m pretty sure I left my body.” She responded matter-of-factly, “You did.” Then she asked me, “Why do you think you left?” With tears in my eyes, and without hesitation, I said “Because I didn’t want to be there.”
I want to be free. I want to be at peace. I don’t want to die of a broken heart.
She suggested I take a break from my To Do List and create a Be List.
A Be List?
Interesting concept. Worth a shot.
How exactly do I do that?
So, I start by remembering.
Love, Joy, Truth, Gratitude-