How I choose to feel is how I am
I will not lose my faith
It’s an inside job today
Holding on the light of night
On my knees to rise and fix my broken soul, again
Songwriters, Eddie Vedder and Mike McCready of Pearl Jam
In 18 days I will be celebrating 2 years sobriety. Today is the first day I really thought about giving up, and saying the hell with it! Life, work, and health can be so heavy sometimes.
I used to drink to escape and numb the overwhelming feelings of trying to be perfect, be in control , please everyone, be the nurturer, and do what is expected of me.
But drinking was just a temporary fix. It kept me from doing the real work. It kept me from sorting out my demons; from finding the missing parts of my soul and patching it back together –to be whole again.
I keep the lyrics to this song open on my phone, for the days when I really need them. These words are so powerful and true.
But, these words also remind me that even after close to 2 years sober, I still haven’t done the work!
Intellectually I get that it IS an inside job. And, that it’s a choice. But, I am scared to go there. I am scared that I am not strong enough to fix my broken soul. And, perhaps I am scared to be happy.
Sounds crazy. I know! But I get anger. I get sadness. I get struggle and hurt. It’s the familiarity that keeps me rooted here.
And, for this reason Lyme Disease continues to take me over.
So I stare at the line, “I will not lose my faith…” willing myself to make a new choice.
photo credit: my husband, Brian Caruso of www.ZionMedicinals.com
Love, Joy, Truth, Gratitude,