I was speaking with a friend yesterday who is also struggling with chronic Lyme Disease. We were discussing how we have both hit some of our lowest lows physically and emotionally lately. She asked me how my blog was going, and if I was still finding the writing therapeutic. I told her I was hesitant to post anything this week, because I was feeling uninspired and not very inspiring. Then I said, “Well that’s what it’s all about, huh?” “I got to stopped judging myself already.” I am still a bit scared when posting. I can have some pretty dark thoughts when I am having a bad Lyme day, week, month.
Yesterday I felt close to rock bottom emotionally. My husband emailed me while I was at work to check on me because he was concerned. I kind of had a meltdown trying to get our son off to school before I drove out to our seacoast practice(the commute gives me anxiety).
I am pretty sure he didn’t expect the following response…
All I do is give, give, give. I am even giving to these freaking spirochetes.
” So in the soul of man there lies one insular Tahiti, full of peace and joy, but encompassed by all the horrors of the half-known life. ” -Melville
Where is my Tahiti? I am tired of Antarctica!
end of email
This quote by Melville has been in my head all week. I know that Tahiti is found within. And, that it takes a delicate balance to find your own little Tahiti because it is both;
- focus and flexibility
- courage and surrender
- faith and perseverance
I am just so tired of repeating the same mental, emotional and physical patterns, over and over. I have been saying the following affirmation:
I am willing to release the pattern within me that is creating this condition. -Louise Hay
I don’t know what it’s going to take for me to give a big middle finger to the Antarctica inside me. As I vomited into the toilet this morning, my bottom lip quivered as I whimpered the word Tahiti.
Love, Joy. Truth, Gratitude-