For Crying Out Tahiti

I was speaking with a friend yesterday who is also struggling with chronic Lyme Disease. We were discussing how we have both hit some of our lowest lows physically and emotionally lately. She asked me how my blog was going, and if I was still finding the writing therapeutic. I told her I was hesitant to post anything this week, because I was feeling uninspired and not very inspiring. Then I said, “Well that’s what it’s all about, huh?” “I got to stopped judging myself already.” I am still a bit scared when posting. I can have some pretty dark thoughts when I am having a bad Lyme day, week, month.

Yesterday I felt close to rock bottom emotionally. My husband emailed me while I was at work to check on me because he was concerned. I kind of had a meltdown trying to get our son off to school before I drove out to our seacoast practice(the commute gives me anxiety).

Brian:

You seemed visibly upset and frustrated this morning. When I asked you if you needed help, you said” it’s too late now”. Is there something I can do to help you in the morning so you don’t feel so frustrated and overloaded?

I’m just very concerned about you and your current state and want to reach out to see how I can help.

I am pretty sure he didn’t expect the following response…

Me:

Mornings are challenging for me. It seems that no matter what time I get up, J is up within 10 minutes. I am beyond exhausted. I really just want to sit on the couch with a cup of coffee, the fire going and reading a book for a bit to start my day ( minus all the bathroom runs). I know you always tell me that isn’t something I am guaranteed, because I am a parent. I am just in so much pain in the morning, I need 15-20 minutes to myself to ease into the day better.

I feel like all I do on school days is fight with J to eat breakfast, get dressed, brush teeth, brush hair, get coat on…..again I know this can be pretty typical with a small child. I am coming to these situations with a very low reservoir already though. I am doing all of this while trying to get myself ready.

I am in such despair at this time in my life. I am trying meditation, affirmation, prayer, journaling and more.

I have thoughts of giving up a lot.

I feel like a hate tornado:

I hate that I read things about people suffering from Lyme disease, and I want you to read it so you can understand me better. So, you can somehow see that this bacteria ravaging my body may be why I feel and act the way I do most of the time.

I know my illness is so hard on you. But, not only do I have the illness, I have the guilt that goes along with feeling I robbed you of a better life. Like I tricked you somehow into thinking life with Jess was going to be something else.

I hate that I am not stronger. I hate that you wish I was stronger.

I hate that everyone in my life has always expected more from me.

I hate that I feel like I am living a half lived life. That my spiritual awakening has not come. That I am just another statistic.

I hate that I cannot see clearly, especially at night. I have been to the eye doctor twice in a month. I am worried that I am losing my sight.

I just want to have a normal night’s sleep. I just want to effing sleep!

I hate feeling like I am on the verge of crying all the time.

That my brain is so messed up. I have dyslexia and memory loss all the time.

I read and watch stories of people healing themselves from cancer for crying out loud.

And I am over here telling myself , “Well at least you get out of bed and go to work and survive another day. So, you cannot be that weak.”

But I am weak.

All I do is give, give, give. I am even giving to these freaking spirochetes.

I hate that I think about food all day long. ( what can I eat, what can I not eat, freaking food sensitivities).

I hate that I am such an asshole that I cannot be normal and just have an occasional glass of wine for the pure enjoyment of it and not as a crutch.

I want a different life. I am so over this one. I am pissed! I am pissed at myself, I am pissed at my upbringing ( getting over that), I am pissed that we have no support (I am grateful for Patti), I am pissed at how sad this country is.

I feel alone. I struggle every day, every waking moment with what the hell am I going to do? How can I make this better? How can I really change my life? How can I be a better mother and wife. How much am I really capable of right now?

All I do is give, give, give. I am even giving to these freaking spirochetes.

I absolutely know that I need to change my vibration. But all I want to do is crawl under my covers, cry my eyes out and have the answers just come to me.

” So in the soul of man there lies one insular Tahiti, full of peace and joy, but encompassed by all the horrors of the half-known life. ” -Melville

Where is my Tahiti? I am tired of Antarctica!

end of email

This quote by Melville has been in my head all week. I know that Tahiti is found within. And, that it takes a delicate balance to find your own little Tahiti because it is both;

focus and flexibility
courage and surrender
faith and perseverance

I am just so tired of repeating the same mental, emotional and physical patterns, over and over. I have been saying the following affirmation:

I am willing to release the pattern within me that is creating this condition. -Louise Hay

I don’t know what it’s going to take for me to give a big middle finger to the Antarctica inside me. As I vomited into the toilet this morning, my bottom lip quivered as I whimpered the word Tahiti.

Love, Joy. Truth, Gratitude-

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